New Tinder profile.
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I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with