i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
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Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
my dad has had enough
My brain is a bad influence on me
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.