Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
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[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse