The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
You Might Also Like
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11