Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
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Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
okay run it by me one more time
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
prepare for carbonated trouble
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.