“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
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A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.