Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
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Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse鈥檚 towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
2Pac won鈥檛 answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he鈥檚 alive and i鈥檓 high.
DELIVERY GUY: Here鈥檚 your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don鈥檛 have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn鈥檛 you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
馃敳 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
馃敳 Good at building blanket forts
馃敳 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
馃敳 toilet paper roll goes OVER
馃敳 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that鈥檚 what he said
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I bet you鈥檙e wondering why I pulled you over
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who鈥檚 watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn鈥檛 hear the barista
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”