#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
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Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Meow
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.