I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
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if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.