It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
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Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
some Old Testament wisdom
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO