Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
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You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.