Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.