As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
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[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.