ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
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If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.