You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
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[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own