I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
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nothing like a slow cooked sausage
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
But I really needed water water water
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*