person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
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Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme