The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
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Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!