I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
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Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.