Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
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[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.