How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.