imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.