“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
You are not alone 💚
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.