it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
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age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.