It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
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[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.