Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
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Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Realize this:
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.