When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
You Might Also Like
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
December birthdays be like…