At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
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I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
We avoided this particular disaster
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.