How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
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i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
first you must answer his riddles
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Lucky old June.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.