2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
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My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Hero horse inspires millions