So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
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Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
the battle rages on
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend