Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
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“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Lmao the reply
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry