[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
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If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?