[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
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you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call