Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
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When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
War & Peace