Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
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Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Finally, a door that understands me
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern