Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
You Might Also Like
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
termite twitter scares me
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month