Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
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Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
got so much cardio in today
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it