Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
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Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.