Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
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Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
This trial is so absurd 😭
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks