No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
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At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.