People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
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My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
How funny!
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.