People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
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I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Who does Amazon think I am?
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I beg your pardon?
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.