The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
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The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.