“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
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Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Waiting for the Charmin
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot