[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
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If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Bread puns are on the rise!
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.