Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
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Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right