Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
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Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.