I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
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PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day