I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
You Might Also Like
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Room with a view.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy: